Today Luke Young asked if I would like to write an article for CCIQ Press about women’s experience in the industry. I was surprised, flattered, and intimidated. Luke is a published author, journalist, and poet. He is a seasoned, professional mixologist. He’s my supervisor at the bar. I’m a woman, who works in the cocktail lounge. I don’t know what I will write but I couldn’t say no, to women’s voices and all that.

I thought about giving anecdotes and perspective. Like the older man last week who after excessive braggadocious boasting asked me, “So what’s Agate’s story?” As though the cambros balancing on my hip had been holding me up the whole time. Like I had nothing better to do. Like he had paid for his rights to pontificate and ask me personal questions with his drink. Who after continued questions requested a goodbye hug. And a fist bump. And another hug. How infuriating it is that after 10 minutes he thinks he knows me. That a total stranger has the nerve to invite intimate salutations because I’m a woman? Because that’s my job? Because I am representing the establishment? Expected to offer smiling hospitality while my male counterparts make a better living sans hugs. I don’t recall that being part of the interview. That doesn’t happen to men. Men aren’t on the menu, why am I? Should I write about that?

I don’t want to write another sexist rant. Endless examples about how for women in the industry; to question is to argue, to be curious is to be ignorant, to be professional is to be bitchy, and friendly is flirtatious. How men assume roles of authority without discussion while women must prove themselves,  inquire, and apply. How frustrating it is to realize that women do not get quietly inserted into positions of power. Or handed the keys in passing. There must be conversation, deliberation, and announcement. Yet a man can be unanimously and almost covertly promoted. Subtly and in a single shift, without explanation, comment, or consensus. As though to assume the natural order of things. And, women are expected to fall quietly in line behind them, grateful for yet another voice to keep us on task, properly focused. More than half of our coworkers are our boss. 

I thought I could write about my own personal experiences of having my ideas and suggestions ignored until they were voiced by a man. I see injustice, waste, inequalities, and double standards every day knowing it will be ignored entirely or I must wage a battle to change it. I’ve seen rules followed or broken at the whim of male management, but those same rules are clearly pointed out when a man is explaining why the female does not qualify for promotion or opportunity. I thought about writing about how assumptions are made without investigation, directions given and blame assigned for petty issues without clarification. I thought about writing about how women in the industry are ignorant until proven adequate while men “experiment” and thus build character through trial and error. He labels his failure as yet another theory is proven, disingenuiously humbling himself in the process with sarcasm and jest until just the right result is achieved. Unless the utter failure is achieved, at which point he becomes a hilarious comic relief, being referenced until something more hilarious overshadows. 

Double standards are an endless exhausting list. Men are measured by how much they know and women, by how much they don’t. Meanwhile, constant balance must be struck in our behavior and actions. Be nice but not so nice you get taken advantage of. Be firm but not bitchy. Look good but don’t try too hard. Be casual but not lazy, take initiative but not so much you create competition. Seek approval but don’t be desperate. And above all else, don’t question a man’s decisions in public. Or when he’s under pressure. Or at all. 

But I don’t want another list of injustices, assigning blame because women are objectified and reduced to lesser counterparts than their male coworkers. We know who’s to blame. This all seems stale. Obvious. So unbelievably familiar and repetitive. Plus, it is impossible to fully represent women in the industry in a matter of pages. And if you need pages of examples to know there are inequalities and flaws in the system, you are the problem. 

I thought about writing the bizarre irony that for a millenia “a woman’s place was in the kitchen” but today only about 12% of executive chefs are female. Through the evolution of a species, women were feeding and caring for the male only to be diminished in our craft. 

But all that has been said. Many times. 

And oddly enough, now is the greatest time in history to be a woman. So far.

Instead of writing the depressingly predictable, whose experience is mirrored by every woman in the industry worldwide, what if I focused on the other part. That part about now being the best time. So far. The best time to question, and challenge, to inquire and defend ourselves. To refuse interruptions and assumptions. The woman’s voice is generations of knowledge passed down. A voice of empathy and logic. An intuition of hospitality and warmth, a deep well of reason and boundary. To write of this is to write about what it simply is to be a woman. However, the industry is poised to take unique advantage of this opportunity. Elevating eons of culinary wisdom created by women’s hands. Tapping the resource of instinct and humility. They would all be so lucky to have a woman on their team!  Should I write about that? It sounds so arrogant and boastful, humility is much easier to digest. 

But now, for the first time in history I am told that if any man is bothering me, my coworkers have my back. Ironic but true. But this time I believe them. Annoying as shit, but true. If those same events with the old guy, had happened with a younger man, my coworkers would have told him to fuck right off. And I would have too. 86’ed for life. 

But that older “gentleman” is not today’s man. And the younger man behind the bar with us is not our grandfather’s man. He is a stage for the new generation. He is asking us what it’s like to be a woman in the industry. Perhaps unconsciously following the familiar footsteps and taking promotions without question but more willing than ever to be questioned and challenged, proven wrong, and held accountable. And if he’s not willing, do it anyway. Who’s feelings are you trying to protect? 

So stand your ground bartendress, we are all sick of the same old rant, we have all reached the boiling point. 

Women: rewrite the menu. 

Men: be an ally. 

I wonder if my boss would like it if I wrote about that?